Yesterday, I had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine about my failed perceptions…

Now let me jump back a bit here to give you some background information.  I have been struggling for months now to figure out a sense of direction, of purpose – something to grasp desperately to and flourish through.  Because I have no sense of direction, I keep coming up short, I keep losing my identity in what I should and shouldn’t do.  As many of you know, I am engaged to an absolute amazing woman that has brought so much light and love into my life; however, with this engagement I have felt an overwhelming need to become this responsible – 401k, benefits, retirement plan – ADULT.  Yes, that’s right everybody, an adult! I am now responsible for another life, another love, and every action I take, she is impacted by.  Terrifying!  Let me just say, I struggle desperately to not be drastic and move across the country because I have a feeling that Oregon is calling to me!! (Most of you all know what that means!)  So instead, I have put myself in this box – limited and lost.  Yes, lost will be the most appropriate word.  I have allowed my fear of not being enough, replace my true nature of being everywhere through everything.

So, back to yesterday – I took a position that I am not happy with, it does not fulfill my heart or my soul – you know, because that’s a great way to get out of a lost mentality!  But, this position came with the promise of adulthood, a career path, something that I am lacking.  And then I had the worst day, thinking, “What the hell am I doing?”  I mean truly, what the hell was I doing in this position, at this place, feeling this way!?   A bit of a revelation.  Overwhelmed with my contradictions of making money to provide and being fulfilled and satisfied with my work, I broke down.  So after my shift, I went to this dear friend’s house to collect some much needed ingredients and let me just say that what I got in return was more.

This friend of mine has inspired me through the years to allow my happiness become my priority.  She followed her heart and light into creating an amazing lifestyle full of love and kindness focusing on giving back and paying it all forward.  All of these things have inspired me to want to become that light, to become overwhelmed with the amount of possibility of happiness in life with every single thing you do.  I asked her what to do, as I have asked so so many others, and what she responded with has changed my perspective on how to embrace this moment.  “Follow the change, allow it to blossom in your weakness.”  She went on to tell me that I have made myself remain in a place of existence that I have grown out of.  My path has changed, but I am stagnant.  My ambitions and dreams have grown further than I can reach, which is just so beautiful, and has created so much anxiety within me – which I’m pretty sure is not supposed to happen!  I keep putting myself in these places that I have outgrown, I have sprouted elsewhere, and I am desperately seeking elsewhere.  She went on to compare the change experience to one of my FAVORITE things, unbeknownst to her. She said that change like this is like nature, and how you can see nature grow within an environment unsuspecting, such as a building, or a road.  Nature continues finding the weakest points to blossom through.  I have said, time and time again that I love seeing a random flower on a sidewalk growing within its crevices, because nature will always win.  Nature will always prevail over our circumstances.

My friend, told me things I already knew, things I had forgotten along the way – and just then at the most perfect moment, the room was penetrated in a prism of light that reflected so many beautiful rainbows!!  It was a moment of completion – an aha, as another friend would say, a YAYA!

And this is why I am sharing it with all of you!
Today I woke up and I saw this!

Yes, they are weeds, but can I just say that this is the most beautiful thing I have seen today and it has moved me, just as I hope to do all of you!

Enjoy the experience, and allow the change.

#thegrimmans

“Sing like no one’s listening, love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching, and live like it’s Heaven on Earth.”  – Mark Twain